These are a collection of some of my favorite clean jokes. I hope you like them.
My favorites jokes are bolded …
One day a lawyer was riding down the road in a limousine when he saw two men on the side of the road eating grass. Bewildered by the sight, he just had to stop. As the driver pulled over, the lawyer called out the window, Hey, why are you guys eating grass?
We're very poor, one of them said, and we have nothing to eat. So we're eating grass to stay alive.
The lawyer was aghast. That's terrible! he said. You jump in this limousine, and I'll take you to my house to eat.
That's great sir, the man replied, but I have a wife and three children. I can't leave them behind.
Bring them along. And bring your friend, too!
The man was amazed and grateful, but the second man said, I have a family too, sir, and I have four childen.
Bring them all, the lawyer said. We'll fit them in the limo.
The men were amazed, and they rushed off to get their families. You won't believe it, they told their wives. We found a kind lawyer!
They returned and all crammed into the large limousine. The men were profuse with praise. I can't believe you're doing this for us! they said.
It's no problem, the lawyer replied. You are going to love my house. The grass is over a foot tall there!
A private was sweeping the floor in the vehicle dispatch office when the phone rang. The regular desk sergeant wasn't in, so he picked up the phone. Vehicle Maintenance! he answered in his best military voice.
An authoritative voice on the other end snapped out orders. I need four tanks, eight jeeps, a helicopter, and a limousine out at the training field, and make it snappy!
And a limousine, huh? the private chuckled. That must be to drive the fat, lazy general around in.
There was silence for a moment on the other end. Then, Do you know who this is?
No, sir, the private replied.
This is the general, said the calm, threatening voice.
Do you know who this is? asked the private.
No, I do not. Now the general's voice was angry, too.
See ya later, fatso, said the private, and he hung up the phone.
A biker decided to reform his life, and so he attended a church on Sunday. It was his first time ever in church, and he had been drinking the night before. He didn't smell very good, and he was in ripped jeans, a leather motorcycle jacket, and an untrimmed beard. People in the church were careful to scoot away from him in the pew. A couple ladies even held their nose and waved handkerchiefs to clear the air.
The biker sat through the whole service, though, including a sermon on loving your neighbor. That encouraged the biker, so on the way out he was careful to shake the preacher's hand. As he did, the preacher leaned forward and whispered, The next time you come to my church, make sure you ask God how you should be dressed when you come.
The next week the biker was back in the same pew, dressed exactly the same way, though he did at least smell a little better because he hadn't been drinking. He enjoyed the sermon once again, and on the way out it seemed as though the preacher was looking for him. When he got to the door, the preacher pulled him aside, clearly irritated. I thought I told you to ask God how you should be dressed when you come here! he huffed.
I did, the biker protested. He said he didn't know because he'd never been here.
One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson decided to go camping. After a long day of fishing and hiking, they were exhausted and climbed into their tent to get some sleep.
It was very early in the morning Watson felt the famous detective nudging him awake. "What is it?" he asked Holmes.
"Watson, what do you see?"
"I see millions and millions of stars," replied Watson.
"And what does that tell you?" asked Holmes.
"Well, let's see," Watson said. "Theologically, it tells me that God is very great and that we are but small and insignificant creatures in the universe. Meteorologically, I note that it is clear, with no indication of rain. Astrologically, I see that Mars is in Virgo. Chronologically, I would say it is about three in the morning. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson," Holmes began, "you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
This clean joke is very short, but told right it comes right out of left field. After a moment, folks will howl in laughter.
When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling, like his passengers.
This clean joke is easy to tell if you have the right environment. It's need to be relaxed. It's a long joke, but if folks aren't in a hurry, the punch line is hilarious.
Watch your audience's eyes. You can shorten the build up of bets, but only by keeping the dialogue short. You have to emphasize everyone knows Murph, so that has to be said six or seven times at least.
A restaurant owner decided he would serve in his own restaurant one day and meet some of his customers. A gentleman came in and sat near the door. The owner approached him and asked, "What can I get for you today."
"Oh, the usual," said the customer.
"I'm sorry, but I've not seen you before. I don't know what your usual is," the owner replied.
"What?" said the customer in shock. "I'm Murph. Are you telling me you don't know Murph?"
The restaurant owner was puzzled. "No, I'm afraid not," he said.
"Everyone knows Murph," the customer replied. "Everyone."
"Is that right?" asked the owner. "I've got a dollar that says the next person that walks in the door won't know Murph."
"Everyone knows Murph," the customer said. "You've got yourself a bet."
It was only a couple minutes before a customer walked through the door, hung his hat on the rack, and said, "Hey, Murph, old pal. It's good to see you here!"
Murph looked at the owner, who dropped a dollar bill on the table. "Everyone knows Murph," Murph said.
"I know at least one person that won't know you," said the restaurant owner. "I'll bet the president of the United States doesn't know you."
"How much?" asked Murph. "The president and I went to school together. We're old buddies."
"I'd bet a hundred bucks," said the restaurant owner, "but how are we going to check? No one can call the president."
"I can," said Murph. He proceeded to dial the white house.
"White house," said the receptionist over Murph's speaker phone.
"Can you get me the president, please?" asked Murph.
"He's in an important meeting," said the receptionist. "May I take a message for him?"
"This is Murph."
"Oh, Murph! I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you," she said. "I'll put you right through."
The president was quickly on the line. "Murph, how are you today? It's always good to hear from you. How can I help you?"
"Well, I've got a guy here who doesn't believe I know you," said Murph.
"What?" said the president in shock. "Everyone knows Murph!"
Murph smiled at the restaurant owner, who just shook his head. "There must be someone who doesn't know Murph," said the owner. "In fact, I'd bet my restaurant on it. I'll bet that the Pope doesn't know Murph!"
Murph laughed. "Of course the Pope knows Murph. We went on regular hunting and fishing trips together while he was cardinal. I'll tell you what. Since there's so much riding on this bet, we won't call him. We'll go there direct. I'll buy the flights."
A few days later the restaurant owner and Murph were standing outside the Pope's residence in Vatican City. "You'd better stay here," said Murph. "I'll bring him out to the balcony, and we'll wave at you."
It was only minutes afterward that Murph was at the balcony with the Pope. He waved down at the restaurant owner, and the owner passed out on the ground! "I've gotta go!" Murph said to the Pope. "Something happened to my friend!"
Murph dashed down the stairs and patted the owner on the cheek until he woke up. "Are you okay?" he asked. "I never thought that seeing me with the Pope would make such an impact on you."
The owner shook his head. "It's not that," he said. "I can handle the fact that you know the pope. I can handle even losing my restaurant in a bet. But when the guy standing next to me said, 'Who's the guy in the funny-looking beany standing next to Murph,' that was too much for me!"
One hot day, two friends were walking through a meadow when they came upon a well. "Let's get some water," one of them said.
They got to the well, but there was no bucket. So they leaned over the edge looking for water. They looked down the well, and they saw no bottom at all. "Man, that looks deep," said one of them.
"Let's find out how deep!" the other said. So they started looking around for something to throw in the well.
After a while they came upon an old, rusted transmission. "This will do," said the one. The two of them dragged it over to the well, then hoisted it up over the edge.
They watched it fall out of sight and listened and listened, but heard nothing. One was just remarking how deep it must be, when a goat came charging at the well at top speed. As they watched it, stunned, it reached the well and leaped right over the wall into the well. "Unbelievable!" said one of the friends, "I've never seen anything like that!"
As they sat discussing the bizarre behavior of the goat, a farmer came up. "Have you seen my goat?" asked the farmer.
"You bet we did," they answered. "It was the most amazing thing! That thing came charging up to the well at full speed and dove right in!"
"That's strange," said the farmer. "I had him tied up to an old transmission."
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary over what to do, and, shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.
The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. An unbelievable hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.
The Lord smiled. Think about it. Whom can he tell?
A lawyer was on a plane one day sitting across the aisle from a blonde. He thought, "Here's a great opportunity to make a little money on a wager."
The lawyer got the blonde's attention and asked, "Hey, you want to play a little game? I'll ask you any question I want, and if you can't answer it, then you pay me $5. Then you get to do the same to me."
The blonde wasn't going for it. "No, thank you," she said.
The lawyer sighed, thought for a moment more, then asked her, "Hey, how about I ask you a question and if you can't answer it, then you pay me five dollars, but if I can't answer yours, I'll pay you five hundred dollars."
The blonde looked at him for a moment, then agreed.
The lawyer asked, "What is the length of the circumference of the earth?"
The blonde didn't even answer. She just reached into her pocket, then handed the lawyer a five-dollar bill.
"Okay, your turn," the lawyer said.
"What goes up a hill on two legs, but comes down on three?" she asked.
The lawyer was stunned. His mind raced. He thought and thought. Finally, he looked back at her and said, "Can I have a little time?"
"Sure," she told him.
He turned in his seat and started pressing buttons on his smart phone. He searched the internet and queried his electronic encyclopedia, but he found nothing.
Finally, in exasperation, he gave up.
He handed the blonde $500 and said, "I give up. What goes up a hill on two legs and comes down on three?"
She handed him five dollars back.
A young man joined a silent order of monks. They were required to spend their entire lives in silence other than once every five years, when they were allowed to say two words.
After the man had been there five years he was brought to the abbott to say his two words. "Bed hard," he said.
Five years later, he was brought before the abbott again. This time he said, "Food bad."
When he got his third visit to the abbott, he was done. "I quit," was his third set of two words.
"I'm not surprised," the abbott retorted. "All you've done since you've been here is complain."